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How do you face unkindness on the job market?

2024-12-03 10:28
This article was originally published in the Clear Water RoundUp, my monthly newsletter, which you can read and subscribe to by clicking here.

If you’re looking for work, you’re likely encountering all kinds of interactions that feel unkind.

Hearing nothing is probably the most common. No response after working hard on your application? Attending an interview and hearing nothing back? Following up and still hearing nothing?

In many cases, it might be unsurprising, but it can feel surprising if it’s someone with whom we had a warm interaction, or someone we do know.

I’ve been offering a variety of services to schools, organizations, and families. Here’s a selection of things that have happened:

  • Warm then cold - No response after traveling for a 1-1 appointment for a personal school tour plus hearing ‘send me your materials, I’ll endorse you.’ No response after the follow-up either.
  • Shark Tank-style CV grilling - Then this interviewer left the table and started doing other things around the room. Two people remained and later one concluded the job would be a waste of my time and skillset.
  • Automated rejection for a seemingly perfect fit - An automated rejection within 24-hours of submitting my application to mentor students on their final-year projects, something very aligned with my skills and interests.
  • Breadcrumbing and paperclipping - Hearing ‘we will get back to you’ for months after an interview to coach people transitioning careers and countries, then going cold until I followed up and they decided on someone else. Felt like being ‘paperclipped’ until someone better showed up.
  • Saturday stand up - An agency booking me for a session on behalf of a client on a Saturday morning, and then never sending a link or responding on the day of.
  • Bait & switch - Receiving a meeting request by email from a tech start-up asking “to explore how your coaching and guidance can help me and my tech consulting startup thrive” only to find out at the meeting that the email I received was AI-generated without their oversight (Bravo for making it sound so personalized, coherent, and grammatically correct) and that was the product they wanted to sell me. (To their credit, since then we’ve had a frank email exchange where they’ve thanked me for the candid feedback to improve their product. I hope they do it.)

I’ll pause there. Finding work is hard work and if you’re a sensitive person like me, some interactions along the way can feel brutal.

Strenuous and foggy ahead, focus on the next steps

What to do in the face of unkindness? Here’s my suggested 8-step recovery plan:

  1. Be kind to yourself. Reach both arms out, fill the space with love and possibilities, and fold it on yourself. You deserve a big hug, so give it to yourself.
  2. Celebrate the fact that you showed up. You took requisite steps to getting what you want.
  3. Do something you love and/or are good at. You deserve to feel good.
  4. Remember that it’s not personal - It may feel personal, and if someone had said this to me immediately after I experienced a difficult interview I might want to kick them. But the majority of what people say is about them and their perspectives, not you. It might mean not getting what you want, but you are absolutely not any less of a person after the experience than before.
  5. Find the 10% truth. Every feedback, no matter how rudely or unfairly delivered, has at least a smidgeon of truth. Find that smidgeon, dig deep, and see what truths it reveals about yourself. Then use it to improve how you read your audience and present yourself out there. And, when your headspace is calm enough, try ‘putting yourself in their shoes’ and see if you can empathize with their decision. You will write better job search material as a result.
  6. Go where you’re appreciated. It’s normal to want a job when you apply, have hopes and expectations, then feel the sting of your counterparts not seeing a fit, then want to try again. That is the best thing to do sometimes. Also ask though - now that I know what I know about these people I would work with on that job, do I still want to work with them? Am I trying again because I believe it would be a good working partnership for me, or am I trying because I struggle to accept the rejection or want to prove something to someone?
  7. Dig deep, grow, and adjust expectations as needed - Dig a little deeper with everything you’ve learned: How do you see yourself? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What do others need? How do others see you? If this process reveals that your earlier ideas about being a good fit for the role were wrong, that’s OK. It happens to everyone. If you're still feel committed to finding a certain type of work, that’s great. See how you can better express and prepare yourself for new meetings in this line of work. Set and meet expectations for yourself, knowing that we can't count on anyone else to meet our expectations of them. You will be stronger and more prepared for your next opportunities.
  8. Be kind to yourself. Do it AGAIN. Give yourself a big hug, and if you’ve done the introspection described above, give yourself a big pat on the back for working with those difficult feelings, having the humility to grow, and the courage to go out there again!

Over to you! Three free questions to coach yourself:

  1. What unkindness have you faced in your current or past job search?
  2. How are you being kind to yourself and others in the process
  3. What is something true about yourself that you have learned in the process?

Positive change is a long road. Please take a moment to celebrate every little win you made this week! Thank you for your consistent support!